I know that all of my loyal followers *insert sarcasm* have been wondering where I have been and why my posts have suddenly come to a halt, and after months of sitting in a dark hole of sickness and depression I have decided that the best medicine right now is to do something I love so here I am sharing more of my ramblings with the world aka the 20 people who currently follow my blog and don’t bother to read it.
Anyway I am currently 26 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child and while most days I am happy and excited about the beautiful life that is growing inside of me and all of the love my family is going to shower him/her with, some days I just feel like I have been hit by a bus and it isn’t just physical exhaustion it’s in my mind. I feel depressed and helpless. Most days I am sick the entire day and all I want to do is sleep and hide under a blanket, which would be easy except I have two lil ones here who need me. I don’t get days off from being a mom.
My five year old son and daughter wake up at 7:45am almost without fail and sadly I am usually just getting to sleep at 6am between throwing up, heartburn and the baby kicking me all night I am lucky if I can get 45 minutes of sleep before the day officially starts. By the end of the week I am in a horrible mood and ready to scream.
I don’t feel like myself and I don’t even look like myself. Seriously throwing up everyday ten times a day sometimes more will leave you looking like a zombie, NOT SEXY. I don’t feel sexy, I don’t wanna have sex and honestly just taking a shower takes everything in me. Standing and walking hurt like hell I have t start with a slow hunched over limp and then progress into walking. It feels like this baby is going to fall out any second.
I literally hate life right now, then I get to look at all the happy glowing pregnant mothers enjoying the miracle and it makes me want to slap them! YES I FEEL A VIOLENT RAGE. To make matters worse being the introvert that I am, instead of calling someone and talking about it and venting to a friend I decide to internalize it all, only to sit up at 3am angry at everyone for “not caring about me” I am actually not sure if I am upset because I am not giving my friends and family a chance to care or if I am upset because I actually know that if they did have the chance they literally would not care and now I am giving them an excuse for not caring later.
Just writing this is making me feel guilty for complaining. I know there are women who would love to be in my position. There are women who can’t have children and would take every bad day I have and then some just for the gift of being able to give birth to a beautiful baby or three and they wouldn’t complain. But damn it this is about me and I am going to take a few minutes out and type my frustrations and own them if I fucking want!
Tomorrow I will insist on doing something that makes me happy. After cleaning up this dump a home spa day is going down and if I have to lock myself away for three hours so be it. My skin, hair and nails deserve to be treated like they belong to someone who gives a fuck about them and its about time I pull myself out of this slump and get my sexy back or at least feel like a person and not some wild animal. Stay tuned!
*does optimistic prance to the bathroom*
PamPressed 